Not that voice, the *other* voice

David Loofbourrow

Not that voice, the *other* voice

(from CaringBridge 2018)

Last night, in the wee hours, I slowly got back in bed ("carefully! you know how must not bend or twist") and just rolled over on my left side - boom! - like nobody's business. My traffic-controller mini-doctor voice screamed "NO!" because heretofore I've had big pains when attempting to lie on either side (my natural way to sleep). BUT - there was no pain!! Nada! My body knew it would be ok and just did it - but my higher consciousness had no idea. 

My regular "me" voice observed, "Well. That just happened..."

So the rest of the night, during awake and transition times, I contemplated where had this Nannie Self came from? I discovered it had popped up soon after I awoke from surgery. Then it mostly said, "Don't Move, Don't Move, Don't you move a G.D. muscle!" It very soon began to 'take over' many previous autonomic functions - actions we all take for granted like breathing, walking, going to the bathroom, eating. Nannie had to THINK ABOUT every movement; before, during and after. Nannie became my hospital Gestapo, monitoring my every movement to protect me from pain.

Then, in pain-drugged stupor, the Nannie Voice became a second personality, or entity, separate from my body and mind. [I know, I know, many of you have your fingers poised over the phone ready to dial the intervention hot-line.] There were times I felt like I had to negotiate between "me", "Nannie" and what the nurses wanted me to do.

Nurse - Suck this blue tube - hard as you can

Nannie - Just use your chest muscles! Otherwise you will explode the stitches down there!

Me - I'm trying

Nurse - Nope, here, push on my hand *placing hand on tummy"

Me - *tries a little bit*

Me & Nannie - It hurts!

Nurse - I know, it's going to, but if you don't open those lower airways you'll get pneumonia. Try again...

Me - Ok

Nannie - NO! Protect the (original, pain-free) body!

And so it went all week, until I decided (read, 'forced Nannie to accept') it was OK to push on the pain to get the coughing going and the phlegm out. But when I started standing? Nope, Nannie wasn't having it - "no deep breathing, see all the pain? It already hurts too much."

And it seems I am still fighting Nannie. It seems like I have to relearn lots of things (standing, sitting, reaching, etc.) and I need to consciously re-integrate my body, meditating "There is only ONE body, only ONE person here." I know it will take time. Last night was nerve-wracking and encouraging. My body knew what to do, and did it. I felt like that bit came back "on-line" and this is one thing I (Nannie) can let go.

I wonder if this makes any sense to some of you? I know I am nowhere unique in having major surgery. Some of you have had similar events, others have had joint replacements or spine problems.

What has been your experience with a "Nannie"? Anyone else experience 'scary nannie'? Any ideas how to [carefully, appropriately] 'let go' and begin returning to the body's natural rhythms?

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